What does it feel like?

To be told that what you experienced moments earlier, never happened.
To be told that everything is only in your head.
To be told that you were being too emotional.
To be told that you were over-reacting.
To be told that you were the one forgetting things.
To be told that you were not good enough for anything.
To be told that you were too stupid to ever succeed.
To be told that you were a waste of space and a terrible drain on resources.
To be told that you couldn't take a joke after constant body shaming.
To be told that it wasn't their intention to hurt you while repeating the same thing for the 100th time.
To be told that it was your fault that you were hurting.

Everyday…
For months…
For years…
For close to a decade!

At first I fought. I took it up as challenge. I tried to prove them wrong. 
But how does one fight something that is being planted in their mind and doesn't actually exist? How does one win a challenge that shouldn't have been placed at all? How does one prove something that shouldn't need to be proven in the first place? 
And how long does one have to fight (alone) and keep proving things?

I am sure I knew the answer while growing up. But then I fell in love - Yes, Blindly! - and lost my way in the tornado that my life was. Constantly working. From the moment I woke up, till I crashed into my bed.

Working (from home) a job, handling a household and shouldering the responsibility and welfare of 6 other fully grown adults, day after day… Working up to 18 hours a day to deal with everything (and never less than 12 hours a day) to be able to take care of all the responsibilities that were suppose to shared by your life partner, (yet you find yourself handling them alone) - 7 days a week and 365 days a year is bound to have some effect on a human being. Everyone knows that, right? Apparently not everyone.

Cooking, cleaning, meetings, and promotional activities - constantly laced with comments and rebukes that aimed at reducing the family nurturer, the 'ghar ki Lakshmi' in to something less than a sentient being still happens in the 21st Century.

All that along with intermittent love-bombing!

You go into a shell - the survival mode. Always being prepared and trying to reduce any chances of triggering another round of 'how useless you are tirade'. You start to dim that spark, that is so eternally you, so that every one else is under the spotlight while you hide in the shadowed corner. You do not let the spotlight be ever on you - even though it is your story, your life! Shrinking into a ball, not taking up space and yet making it easier for people to kick around.

And should you dare to question it, i.e., if you still have some semblance of self left, and ask why - the society around you (some even in guise of friends) will gather to remind you that all you are good for is to keep your mouth shut, adjust and compromise. A 'failure of a being' has no right to ask questions. You only get to continue to try and prove your worth in exchange of being 'allowed' to breathe.

Would you consider stop breathing if that is the only way to end the hurt and pain?

Many do!

But there is another way… Stand up, break the invisible shackles and walk away! 

(read invisible shackles as: expectations forced on you by those close to you and the society; the constant self doubt drilled into you; the crippling fear you feel; the unshakeable belief that you cannot make it on your own; the anxiety of how could ever do anything right on your own; the mind blowing concept of what will people say… in short - whatever it is that is holding you back in a life that is slowly sucking your spirit out.) 

It is hard! The hardest thing you will probably do... When you finally have had enough, and realise that staying on will eventually kill you, much before your time; and when other people will reiterate that all you can do is stay and compromise. Try and remember, that there ARE people who will support you and help you... So, keep at it till you find someone who'll throw the life jacket when you are drowning. And then, swim... swim for the shore - your life!

And it starts getting better almost immediately.

Its been over a year since I walked out… And, now all I know is what it feels like…

To be told that you are strong.
To be told that you are a heck of a fighter to have survived.
To be told that you are worth more than ten of them.
To be told that you are loving and caring.
To be told that you have a right to take up space.
To be told that you deserve to have your needs met.
To be told that you are inspiring.
To be told that you have an amazing sense of humour.
To be told that you are a responsible person.
To be told that your are a logical and practical person.
To be told that you are loved.
To be told that you are seen.
To be told that you are cherished.
To be told that you are wanted and desired.

It is good for your body. It is good for your mind. AND, it is the most liberating thing for your spirit.

NOTE: Anything that you recognize in this story belongs to J.K.Rowling.

It was in his third year that James and Sirius started acting funny around him. He could tell that they were talking about him behind his back by the way they would whisper every so often and stop talking abruptly whenever he walked in on them. Dread filled him up again as million questions started to seep into his mind once again. Did they already know or were they just suspicious? Should he tell them or let them find out on their own? Would they understand and accept him or would they judge and abandon him. He kept on having internal fights with himself about how to handle the situation. A part of him wanted to confide in James and Sirius. After all they were his best buddies. If Lily could understand, they could too. If she could look past his monstrous side, they could too. Right? But then another part of him was still too scared to open up. Lily was exceptionally compassionate about everyone. She had a way of seeing the best even in the worst specimen of human kind. No one else could be expected to have the same level of compassion. James and Sirius were different and may not see things in the same light. He was sure that he would not be able to handle their rejection. So much so, he was sure that he would prefer the rest of the world’s disgust rather than see them turn their backs on him.

One day James asked him very casually whether he would be going home that weekend. It was going to be a full moon weekend and thus Remus’s fears were confirmed. Pretending to be absorbed in the book he was reading, Remus had to keep a check on his nerves before replying, “No idea. You know it depends upon my mother’s condition. There’s no way to predict it. Why?” James had simply shrugged and said that they were going to have their first Hogsmeade visit that weekend and wanted to make plans. When Remus missed the trip, he was sure that they would confront him on his return. But his fears were in vain because when he returned, all the duo could talk about was the village. They had even brought him some Sugarquills from Honeydukes, the sweet shop in Hogsmeade. When days turned into weeks and another full moon had come and gone, Remus finally started to relax again. James and Sirius had not confronted him and they even had stopped whispering among themselves. He kept telling himself that he had only imagined it all. They must have been planning some prank that he wouldn’t have approved.

On their second outing Remus was able to accompany them to Hogsmeade. James and Sirius took their responsibility to show Remus around very ‘sirus-ly’. They guided him to every store in Hogsmeade that they thought he would enjoy. Even the bookstore! Then they dragged him to the Shrieking Shack which to their disappointment was quiet. They kept on swearing that the last time they had visited on their way back to Hogwarts, they had heard a lot of noises coming from there. Finally, they settled down at ‘The Three Broomsticks’ with mugs of Butterbeer. After a couple of mugs each, when they were feeling all warm and fuzzy, Sirius turned to Remus, “Don’t you have something to tell us?”

“What? When did I say that?”

“It isn’t what you have said, but it is what you haven’t said yet. That’s some big secret that you are hiding from us Remus. But people are talking. You know the Hogwarts grapevine. How could you do this to me, Remus? I thought we were friends,” said James.

“What’s going on? What did I do?” Any other time, Remus’s insecurities would have kicked in, but at this point he was too relaxed and fuzzy.

“Shame on you, Remus. How long were you planning to keep this from us?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah, did you think that we would not even notice?” continued James. He and Sirius had taken to continuing each other’s sentences recently. “That you can do anything behind our back and get away with it?”

Once again Sirius picked up from James, “It is really stupid of you think that, that James would not notice especially when Evans is involved.”

Remus had been staring between the two of them, “I don’t understand. What are you guys trying to say? Did Lily say something?”

James was staring at him dangerously. “Oh! So its Lily now, is it? How long have you two been going around? Does she even know about your ‘furry little problem’?!” He asked, his voice raising with every word that he grinded out. Remus spluttered his butterbeer.

“Calm down James! People are starting to look around at you. Besides, give the man a chance to explain.”

“You… you think that I am going out with Lily? No way James, she is just a friend. We just study together when… Wait! What do you mean by my furry little problem?”

James and Sirius spoke up at the same time. “Just a friend?” asked James.

“You thought that your affair with the full moon would escape our notice?” said Sirius. Remus, overwhelmed, continued to look at his two friends numbly. Sirius leaned forward and continued in a muted voice. “Look, we have known about your situation for a couple of months now. We were not going to say anything about it.” He gave James a pointed look. “This is something that you had to be comfortable about and so we wanted you to tell us when you were ready for us to know. But James here tends to get hot headed regarding Evans. But that’s beside the point now. We just want you to know that we are not freaked out about being friends with you. We have to do something about it though, but still have no idea what at this point though we are working on some ideas.”

“You are not going to Dumbledore about a new dormitory?”

“No you prat! We are not going to run off to Dumbledore for new sleeping or class arrangements and we are not going to tell everyone about how dangerous you are. That’s a shame though! Imagine the looks on those slimy Slytherins’ faces if we told them that you are going to eat them up next full moon! I can almost see it! Precious!”

“So you are okay about my transformation?”

“Okay?! I personally think its cool! Only wish, you would have told us before instead of us wasting three years to find it out!”

Remus couldn’t help but crack a smile. Only Sirius could think of it as cool. But James’s silence bothered him. So he turned towards him and ventured tentatively, “James, I swear there is nothing between me and Lily. We are just friends. We just study together and that’s it. She has been really good about my condition and has been helping me with the school work whenever I miss classes.”

“So, you told her. But you couldn’t tell us?” James looked a bit cheered up but not completely.

“I did not tell anyone. She worked it out by herself last year and has been helping me ever since. Haven’t you noticed how I don’t ask for the class notes anymore? Trust me. I did not tell her. My parents told me that I could not tell anyone. Ever.”

“She worked it out last year? She is brilliant!”

“Yeah, that she is. So am I forgiven?”

“Sure. So, does she ever ask about me?”

Rest of the evening passed by with James grilling him about Lily Evans. Apparently, everything was forgiven and forgotten. It took the three of them and Peter almost three years to work out how one could become an Animagus. Three years of planning, hard work and excitement. Soon Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail were found to be running around the Hogwarts ground and the Forbidden Forest every full moon. It was exhilarating and liberating. Remus had to spend his transformations locked up in the Shrieking Shack cooped up, scratching and hurting himself. But it was a thing of the past once they all mastered their Animagus forms. In their animal forms, they could communicate with each other. So instead of being lonely and hurting himself, Remus now explored in the company of his best friends. Even after leaving Hogwarts, they continued the tradition. They would go somewhere away from human habitation, and spend the full moons playfully. When Voldemort’s rule became more and more dangerous, at least one of them, mostly Sirius would stay with him till he had to go underground on Dumbledore’s request. What he had always considered as his curse, his friends turned it to a ‘cool gift’. Where he had been terrified of his transformations before, he started to look forward to them now. His friends kept him company, made sure he did not hurt himself or anyone else while transformed and even managed to turn it to fun! Later he could not even think about why he had been so apprehensive about telling his friends… It only seemed natural that his friends would accept him and his ‘Furry little problem’ and make it their own problem.

Changes in his body brought Remus back to present. He could feel the transformation starting. He desperately wished his friends could be with him once again. Tell him that is was okay to feel and that they would always be together. That they would make sure he was safe. That he had nothing to worry about. His curse turned gift had turned into a curse once again. Padfoot and Prongs would never run with him again. It was just him and his affair with the moon. He thought about Tonks once. What would his friends say about her? Sirius had accepted him without any reservations but would he feel differently about him and Tonks being together? Was it even possible to begin with? Would it be fair to impose his curse on some one else? What would James have to say? Would he be angry with him for not trusting Harry enough? He had failed his friends in so many ways… His last conscious thought before the transformation completed was that his true curse was to be left behind alone. The fully transformed wolf let out howl, into the dark starless sky with only the moon shining through.

The inhabitants of Godric’s Hollow heard a wolf howl into the night sky. They had heard legends about how people had heard a wolf whining throughout the night after the Potters were attacked. But that was fifteen years back and no one had heard anything since then. Tonight, after so many years, everyone heard the howls and the whining. It scared them. Only a little girl looked up at her mother reading her a bed time story and said, “It sounds so sad and lonely.”